false hope

I went in on May 2nd for my follow up blood draw. When the doctors office called me to give me the results, I missed it. You can imagine the overwhelming feelings as I pressed play..

"Hey J, This is C from Dr. X's office. I just wanted to let you know we got your results back and everything looks beautiful!"

I honestly didn't hear another word. My heart swelled and I immediately called my husband with the good news! My mind drifted to upcoming events and how we would hide the pregnancy until we were ready to share.. what my due date would be and how I would manage my business through this pregnancy.. planning and dreaming about our sweet baby.. hearing it's heartbeat.. feeling it's kick in my belly.. holding it for the first time..

Unfortunately, that joy was short lived. 4 days later, the cramps started. I immediately went back into see Dr. X. They took another blood draw and things still looked good so we tried to be optimistic. The next day however, the spotting started and by Monday, my follow up draw, my HCG had dropped to 114 and my progesterone to 1.5. It's happening again.

We found ourselves caught somewhere between unbelievable grief.. and undeniable anger. When so many around you fall pregnant so easily who don't even care for their own children.. While we sit here wanting nothing in this world more than we want a child and yet.. we keep having complications. Isn't this supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our life? Why is so fraught with fear and heartache? It just doesn't seem fair.

He came straight home from work. We cried together. We spent the rest of the day doing things I can't do while pregnant. Eating raw foods and enjoying an adult beverage. We went by the new house to see the progress on the build. Walking through the room we planned as a nursery was hard but we have faith that someday, our dreams will come true and we'll bring home a happy, healthy, sweet little baby to that room.

In the mean time, we go in next week to begin a series of tests to ensure that I'm not broken. To see if there is a specific issue causing the miscarriage or if it's just plain bad luck. One is normal. Two in a row is not.

Cross your fingers. Knock on wood. Say a prayer.