It took about two weeks to get our results back from the doctor after my blood panel. We found that I tested "low elevated" for both the Anti-Caridolipin IgG and the MTHFR gene mutation. They started me on baby aspirin right away and we referred to a hematologist for further testing. Yesterday was that day.. first we met.. chatted.. he told me that he's not concerned at all about MTHFR however, he is concerned about the IgG. For any future pregnancies, we will be placed on Lovenox as soon as we see that pink line. 10 vials of blood later.. he is running his own panel but again.. it will take about 2 weeks to get the results back. In the mean time, we are stuck. Because of my career, we have very specific windows throughout the year where becoming pregnant is viable. My job is feast or famine. The busy seasons get me through the slow seasons financially so delivering a child during the wrong months could cause financial hardship for my little business.
The scariest part of it all is the unknown. When you're in the appointment with the doctor.. it's so intimidating and overwhelming.. you forget to ask the questions. Later, you try to research it but finding the answers is so difficult and heaven forbid you happen across the wrong link and suddenly become concerned you have some sort of crazy rare disease.. it's a fine line.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
false hope
I went in on May 2nd for my follow up blood draw. When the doctors office called me to give me the results, I missed it. You can imagine the overwhelming feelings as I pressed play..
"Hey J, This is C from Dr. X's office. I just wanted to let you know we got your results back and everything looks beautiful!"
I honestly didn't hear another word. My heart swelled and I immediately called my husband with the good news! My mind drifted to upcoming events and how we would hide the pregnancy until we were ready to share.. what my due date would be and how I would manage my business through this pregnancy.. planning and dreaming about our sweet baby.. hearing it's heartbeat.. feeling it's kick in my belly.. holding it for the first time..
Unfortunately, that joy was short lived. 4 days later, the cramps started. I immediately went back into see Dr. X. They took another blood draw and things still looked good so we tried to be optimistic. The next day however, the spotting started and by Monday, my follow up draw, my HCG had dropped to 114 and my progesterone to 1.5. It's happening again.
We found ourselves caught somewhere between unbelievable grief.. and undeniable anger. When so many around you fall pregnant so easily who don't even care for their own children.. While we sit here wanting nothing in this world more than we want a child and yet.. we keep having complications. Isn't this supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our life? Why is so fraught with fear and heartache? It just doesn't seem fair.
He came straight home from work. We cried together. We spent the rest of the day doing things I can't do while pregnant. Eating raw foods and enjoying an adult beverage. We went by the new house to see the progress on the build. Walking through the room we planned as a nursery was hard but we have faith that someday, our dreams will come true and we'll bring home a happy, healthy, sweet little baby to that room.
In the mean time, we go in next week to begin a series of tests to ensure that I'm not broken. To see if there is a specific issue causing the miscarriage or if it's just plain bad luck. One is normal. Two in a row is not.
Cross your fingers. Knock on wood. Say a prayer.
"Hey J, This is C from Dr. X's office. I just wanted to let you know we got your results back and everything looks beautiful!"
I honestly didn't hear another word. My heart swelled and I immediately called my husband with the good news! My mind drifted to upcoming events and how we would hide the pregnancy until we were ready to share.. what my due date would be and how I would manage my business through this pregnancy.. planning and dreaming about our sweet baby.. hearing it's heartbeat.. feeling it's kick in my belly.. holding it for the first time..
Unfortunately, that joy was short lived. 4 days later, the cramps started. I immediately went back into see Dr. X. They took another blood draw and things still looked good so we tried to be optimistic. The next day however, the spotting started and by Monday, my follow up draw, my HCG had dropped to 114 and my progesterone to 1.5. It's happening again.
We found ourselves caught somewhere between unbelievable grief.. and undeniable anger. When so many around you fall pregnant so easily who don't even care for their own children.. While we sit here wanting nothing in this world more than we want a child and yet.. we keep having complications. Isn't this supposed to be a happy and exciting time in our life? Why is so fraught with fear and heartache? It just doesn't seem fair.
He came straight home from work. We cried together. We spent the rest of the day doing things I can't do while pregnant. Eating raw foods and enjoying an adult beverage. We went by the new house to see the progress on the build. Walking through the room we planned as a nursery was hard but we have faith that someday, our dreams will come true and we'll bring home a happy, healthy, sweet little baby to that room.
In the mean time, we go in next week to begin a series of tests to ensure that I'm not broken. To see if there is a specific issue causing the miscarriage or if it's just plain bad luck. One is normal. Two in a row is not.
Cross your fingers. Knock on wood. Say a prayer.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Am I infertile?
28. That's the number they gave me when they said my HCG test came back low. At 4 weeks pregnant, it should be over 100.
"I don't think this is what happened last time."
My eyes filled up with tears as I heard her say those words.
"you are definitely pregnant."
So why don't I feel any better? Why do I feel like my world is crumbling beneath me?
28. What does this even mean? My progesterone level is great. Above where they would want it to be. So why is my HCG so low? She began rattling off scenarios in which everything could be fine. It could still lead to a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy. I barely heard her words as my mind began wandering to all the heartache I felt when we lost our first baby. Our first pregnancy. As much as she is trying to reassure me.. I'm well aware that these are possible.. but not likely. The more likely scenario is that we will begin trying again in a few weeks.
Today, we wait. I go back in 4 days for another blood test to determine if the pregnancy is viable. In the mean time, I'm lost. Trying to distract myself with work and family and friends.. all the while.. none of them knowing that my smile is fake. My heart is slowly breaking. The concern is consuming me and I'm silently overanalyzing everything. Searching way too much on google. Reading too many articles I shouldn't read. Trying not to think about that phone call that will come Monday afternoon and the words that will come through the line.
We've already had one early miscarriage at 5 weeks 4 days and now.. possibly another.. It's hard not wonder if there is something wrong. Am I infertile? But I can't let myself get lost in these thoughts. In these questions. For now, I need to focus on this pregnancy. Keep my spirits up and assume that everything is going to be ok. Focus on the possible scenarios in which we move on to a healthy pregnancy.. Did I ovulate late? Maybe it took longer for implantation.
"I don't think this is what happened last time."
My eyes filled up with tears as I heard her say those words.
"you are definitely pregnant."
So why don't I feel any better? Why do I feel like my world is crumbling beneath me?
28. What does this even mean? My progesterone level is great. Above where they would want it to be. So why is my HCG so low? She began rattling off scenarios in which everything could be fine. It could still lead to a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy. I barely heard her words as my mind began wandering to all the heartache I felt when we lost our first baby. Our first pregnancy. As much as she is trying to reassure me.. I'm well aware that these are possible.. but not likely. The more likely scenario is that we will begin trying again in a few weeks.
Today, we wait. I go back in 4 days for another blood test to determine if the pregnancy is viable. In the mean time, I'm lost. Trying to distract myself with work and family and friends.. all the while.. none of them knowing that my smile is fake. My heart is slowly breaking. The concern is consuming me and I'm silently overanalyzing everything. Searching way too much on google. Reading too many articles I shouldn't read. Trying not to think about that phone call that will come Monday afternoon and the words that will come through the line.
We've already had one early miscarriage at 5 weeks 4 days and now.. possibly another.. It's hard not wonder if there is something wrong. Am I infertile? But I can't let myself get lost in these thoughts. In these questions. For now, I need to focus on this pregnancy. Keep my spirits up and assume that everything is going to be ok. Focus on the possible scenarios in which we move on to a healthy pregnancy.. Did I ovulate late? Maybe it took longer for implantation.
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