28. That's the number they gave me when they said my HCG test came back low. At 4 weeks pregnant, it should be over 100.
"I don't think this is what happened last time."
My eyes filled up with tears as I heard her say those words.
"you are definitely pregnant."
So why don't I feel any better? Why do I feel like my world is crumbling beneath me?
28. What does this even mean? My progesterone level is great. Above where they would want it to be. So why is my HCG so low? She began rattling off scenarios in which everything could be fine. It could still lead to a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy. I barely heard her words as my mind began wandering to all the heartache I felt when we lost our first baby. Our first pregnancy. As much as she is trying to reassure me.. I'm well aware that these are possible.. but not likely. The more likely scenario is that we will begin trying again in a few weeks.
Today, we wait. I go back in 4 days for another blood test to determine if the pregnancy is viable. In the mean time, I'm lost. Trying to distract myself with work and family and friends.. all the while.. none of them knowing that my smile is fake. My heart is slowly breaking. The concern is consuming me and I'm silently overanalyzing everything. Searching way too much on google. Reading too many articles I shouldn't read. Trying not to think about that phone call that will come Monday afternoon and the words that will come through the line.
We've already had one early miscarriage at 5 weeks 4 days and now.. possibly another.. It's hard not wonder if there is something wrong. Am I infertile? But I can't let myself get lost in these thoughts. In these questions. For now, I need to focus on this pregnancy. Keep my spirits up and assume that everything is going to be ok. Focus on the possible scenarios in which we move on to a healthy pregnancy.. Did I ovulate late? Maybe it took longer for implantation.
